Post by Saffers on Apr 6, 2003 13:11:08 GMT -8
Subject: Science Exam.
QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS
a.. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
b.. "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
c.. "H20 is hot water, and C20 is cold water."
d.. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
e.. "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
f.. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
g.. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
h.. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
i.. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
j.. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
k.. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
l.. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
m.. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
n.. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
o.. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
p.. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
q.. "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
r.. "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
s.. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
t.. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
u.. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
v.. "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
w.. "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
x.. "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
y.. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
z.. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
aa.. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
ab.. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
ac.. "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
ad.. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
ae.. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
af.. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
ag.. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
ah.. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
ai.. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
aj.. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
ak.. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
al.. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
am.. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
DON'T (never ever) ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
........................................................
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
........................................................
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,"They will in a minute."
..........................................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
............................................................
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
............................................................
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
...........................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
..........................................................
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
........................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS
a.. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
b.. "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
c.. "H20 is hot water, and C20 is cold water."
d.. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
e.. "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
f.. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
g.. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
h.. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
i.. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
j.. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
k.. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
l.. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
m.. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
n.. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
o.. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
p.. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
q.. "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
r.. "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
s.. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
t.. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
u.. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
v.. "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
w.. "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
x.. "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
y.. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
z.. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
aa.. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
ab.. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
ac.. "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
ad.. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
ae.. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
af.. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
ag.. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
ah.. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
ai.. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
aj.. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
ak.. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
al.. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
am.. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
DON'T (never ever) ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
........................................................
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
........................................................
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,"They will in a minute."
..........................................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
............................................................
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
............................................................
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
...........................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
..........................................................
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
........................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."